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Top 10 Girls Kissing Scenes

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

In Woody Allen’s film Vicky Cristina Barcelona, virtually everyone locks lips in order to slip each other the tongue. It just so happens that in the rush to French-kiss, Allen’s woody compelled the aging director to script a kiss between two of Hollywood’s most voluptuous and nubile starlets: Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz.
Although the kiss between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz will no doubt have men popping wood around the globe, it would be premature to include their salacious kiss on this list of chicks kissing scenes. For the time being, however, we will confine ourselves to films that have been released, as we count down the 10 most erotic chicks kissing scenes. Keep in mind that these are film scenes, and we haven’t considered any pornography or erotica.

No.10 - Head in the Clouds (2004)

Penelope Cruz & Charlize Theron

Set in 1930s Europe, Head in the Clouds is a British/Canadian melodrama about the choices young lovers make when surrounded by political unrest. With the Spanish Civil War as the political backdrop, two passionate women (Penelope Cruz and Charlize Theron) find themselves living with a guy named Guy in Paris. One night, with Guy looking on and the ladies casually dressed in silk negligees, the ladies begin drunkenly consoling each other on the living room davenport. Soon enough, straps are sliding off shoulders, tears are streaming down powdered cheeks and the ladies are all over each other. It is a quick scene that ends after Theron’s character bites Cruz’s lip and the two are left with blood dripping from their lips.

No.9 - Chasing Amy (1997)

Joey Lauren Adams

The script for Kevin Smith’s third film, Chasing Amy, was inspired by his relationship with Joey Lauren Adams, who stars in the film as Alyssa Jones, a bisexual who Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck) can’t help but chase. The film is full of frank sexual banter, but from our chicks kissing point of view, the highlight occurs after Alyssa performs a song for her true love who, much to Holden’s shock and chagrin, turns out to be some random platinum-blonde dyke. The two ladies then proceed to suck face for the next few scenes, while Holden looks on in disbelief, and his buddy Banky (Jason Lee) applauds the hotness of finding himself in a dyke bar surrounded by girls who like girls.

No.8 - Bitter Moon (1992)

Emmanuelle Seigner & Kristin Scott Thomas

In Roman Polanski’s ultra-kinky film Bitter Moon, Fiona (Kristin Scott Thomas) and Nigel (Hugh Grant) play a straight-laced and repressed British couple whose conservative relationship is thrown overboard while on a cruise ship. The catalyst for the change is their encounter with Mimi (played by Emmanuelle Seigner) and Oscar, whose sadistic sexual past is the polar opposite of Fiona and Nigel’s. However, when Mimi, a seductive French woman, pulls the sexually unfulfilled Fiona onto the dance floor of a rocking ship, the two women lock hips and then lock lips. And as the scene ends, the ladies stroll past their respective husbands toward a cabin down below.

No.7 - Higher Learning (1995)

Jennifer Connelly & Kristy Swanson

Higher Learning is about the personal, the political and the racial. However, if we ignore the dramatic dilemmas facing the cast of university freshmen, we can focus on the sexual awakening that blossoms between Kristen (Kristy Swanson) and Taryn (Jennifer Connelly). While both are working for a women’s group, the girls discover that they may just be pitching for the other team, and so they kiss to seal the deal, and then retire to their dorm where they strip down to their panties and roll around in bed.

No.6 - Cruel Intentions (1999)

Selma Blair & Sarah Michelle Gellar

The famous kiss in Cruel Intentions is a lips-and-tongue close-up that leaves the naive Cecile (Selma Blair) wanting more. The trouble is, her high-society coach is Kathryn Merteuil (Sarah Michelle Gellar), a wealthy society girl who is only teaching Cecile how to kiss so that she will sleep around enough to damage her reputation. What better fodder could there be for a chicks kissing scene than a manipulative bitch and an innocent fox who’s as easy to mold as Silly Putty?

No.5 - Gia (1998)

Angelina Jolie & Elizabeth Mitchell

Gia is an HBO film that documented the rise and fall of Gia Carangi, one of America’s first supermodels. Angelina Jolie plays the voluptuous Gia, a tough and reckless woman from Philly who ventures to New York, willing to do whatever it takes to rise to the top of the modeling industry. It’s during her rise that Gia meets Linda (Elizabeth Mitchell), and the depiction of their steamy relationship is full of taut skin, luscious lips and licking tongues. Sadly, Gia also spent a fair bit of time shooting heroin, from which she contracted HIV and died by the time she was 26.

No.4 - The Hunger (1983)

Susan Sarandon & Catherine Deneuve

The Hunger is actually something of a horror flick based on the bizarre love triangle that emerges between a doctor (Susan Sarandon) and a chic vampire couple (David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve). Bowie’s character is John, who visits the doctor when he begins an accelerated aging process. The good doctor, intrigued by her patient’s unique symptoms, decides to visit John at his home where she is greeted by Myriam (Deneuve). Naturally, Myriam hungers for Dr. Sarah Roberts’ healthy blood. After a martini, a little small talk and some elegant shots of the two women, Sarandon wets her thin white T-shirt when she spills her drink over her breast, leading erotically to tender kisses on the good doctor’s lips and then all over her goose-bumped body. Finally, when the fatal bite comes, it is just as tender, as blood drips from Deneuve’s lips and appetizingly down Sarandon’s leg.

No.3 - Bound (1996)

Jennifer Tilly & Gina Gershon

Before the Wachowski brothers hit the jackpot with the Matrix trilogy, they released Bound, a neo-noir crime thriller that features one of cinema’s hottest chicks kissing scenes. The plot begins with the squeaky-voiced Violet (Jennifer Tilly) on the hunt for a way out of her relationship with her mob boyfriend. Enter ex-con Corky (Gina Gershon), a bull-dyke who happens to move in next door and is then commissioned to do some plumbing for the unhappy couple. Violet, desperate to get her own pipes running properly, sets out to seduce Corky and what a job she does. Dressed in black lingerie with cleavage that begs to be touched, she talks dirty, rubs the tattoo on her breast and then when Corky starts touching her, Violet pants and moans like a female tennis player. Finally, with Corky’s hand pressed firmly up her skirt, Violet pleads for a kiss.

No.2 - Wild Things (1998)

Denise Richards & Neve Campbell

Wild Things is downright ridiculous. Although it could be described as an erotic crime thriller, the plot is entirely too frivolous to call it anything other than first-rate eye candy. So when Suzie and Kelly (Neve Campbell and Denise Richards) find themselves in bikinis near the pool, we shouldn’t be surprised when a catfight breaks out and the girls finish in the pool where they kiss each other better. After all, the plot is only window dressing and an excuse for showing off the luscious curves of the two leading ladies.

No.1 - Mulholland Dr. (2001)

Naomi Watts & Laura Harring

David Lynch is an erotic filmmaker. In the old-school Greek sense of eros, Lynch withholds and conceals, teasing his audience with possibility rather than gratifying us with fulfillment. So, when it comes to filming the sexually erotic, Lynch knows how to build a seductive mood, leaving his audience on the verge, lusting for more.

In Mulholland Dr., Naomi Watts plays a naive blonde who’s desperate for Hollywood success, while Laura Harring is an amnesiac who can’t recall whether she’s ever made love with a woman. In a sense, the scene captures the allure of self-discovery by bringing the innocent blonde and the innocent brunette together. It’s like Betty and Veronica coming of age by choosing each other over that freckled loser Archie.

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Top 10 Movie Serial Killers

Friday, February 27th, 2009

After years of slasher/horror flicks gracing the big screen (most of which were sequels), these 10 serial killers stand out above the rest.

chucky-mask10. Chucky. Okay, the Child’s Play franchise has gone from all-out horror to comedy-horror over the course of five films, but any way you look at it, the Lakeshore Strangler is one mean SOB. Let’s also not forget Tiffany, Chucky’s wife, in Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky. Be prepared for Charles Lee Ray to return in a remake of the 1988 original.

9. Ghostface. With a mask inspired by Edvard Munch’s painting The Scream, Ghostface is actually five people over the course of three films. Scream, brought to us by Wes Craven, revitalized slasher flicks in the mid-90s. After two successful sequels, and the Scary Movie spoofs, Ghostface deserves to be on this list.

michael-myers-mask8. Michael Myers. John Carpenter brings us Mr. Myers, who killed his sister when he was a kid, went to a mental institution, escaped 15 years later and now kills people on Halloween. Originally in theaters in 1978, Halloween spawned seven sequels, not including a remake of the original by Rob Zombie. Another one is slated to be released by Zombie.

7. Jigsaw Killer. Unlike others, Jigsaw does not intend to murder. He wants to see if the victim has the will to survive, thus inflicting enough psychological trauma for them to appreciate their life and save themselves from their own demons. If anything, he’s doing them a favor. Saw VI will be out on the fall, but only the first one is must-see.

6. Freddy Kruger. Robert Englund plays the dream killer in the Nightmare on Elm Street series, also brought to us by Wes Craven. Kruger’s motives are to kill teenagers as revenge on their parents, who had burned him alive years before. Expect more Nightmares to come, but this time reportedly without Englund.

jasonvoorheesnew5. Jason Voorhees. Slashing up teens at Camp Crystal Lake through 12 Friday the 13th flicks (most recently a remake of the original), Jason did wonders for the old school hockey goalie mask. Met another legend, Freddy Kruger, in 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason (That was the most fun I ever had at the movies, as audience members were loudly cheering for their favorite of the two.) Unlike Kruger, Jason has a sad backstory, having been deformed and humiliated as a child. Eight of the Friday films came out in the 80s, 1 in the 90s, and 3 in the 00s.

4. Leatherface. Loosely based on real life killer Ed Gein, Leatherface is severely mentally retarded and disturbed, often using a chainsaw and sledgehammer to slaughter his victims. His family of fellow cannibals abuse him and tell him what to do. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out in 1974, the first in line of more slasher flicks to come. Six films have been made over the years, including a remake of the original in 2003.

seven3. John Doe. After killing five people who are, in fact, sinners, John Doe, played by Kevin Spacey, delivers a this-all-makes-sense monologue to Brad Pitt, justifying the murders and making the Seven audience nod along in agreement. But then he turns out to be a sinner himself, “envy,” to be exact, and completes his masterpiece with his own death by the hand of “wrath.” This is the only killer on this list in a stand-alone film.

2. Norman Bates. Alfred Hitchcock’s 1960 film Psycho, most notably the shower scene, set the tone for just about every serial killer made after that. The cross-dressing, momma-loving motel peeper was based on real life killer Ed Gein (Gein was only convicted of killing two, but his grave robbery and hobby of making trophies out of bones and skin made him arguably the top killer that influenced other very famous fictional serial killers.) Five movies have been released in this series, including an unnecessary remake of the original in 1998.

hannibal1. Hannibal Lector. Lector, played by Anthony Hopkins in three films (Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal and Red Dragon), was voted by The American Film Institute as the most memorable villain in film history. Why? Because the audience rooted for him, unlike his former patient, transvestite wanna-be woman killer Jame Gumb (also inspired by Gein). Lector was popular even before his tragic backstory was told in 2007’s Hannibal Rising.

Yes, there are some I purposely left off, such as the guy in American Psycho, the Driftwoods in House of 1,000 Corpses, the Leprechaun, and many, many others. Argue amongst yourselves.

VIA

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The Top 10 Awesome Things You Didnt Know About Clint Eastwood

Sunday, February 22nd, 2009

young-clint-eastwood

Clint Eastwood has become a living monument of Hollywood. He is to film what Chuck Norris is to roundhouse kicks: the founding father and ruling king. His squint alone has the ability to make lesser filmmakers renounce the craft altogether and his gravelly snarl has made plenty of punks reassess the status of their luck. But everyone knows he’s a badass, and everyone knows he’s as talented behind a camera as he is behind the trigger of a .44 Magnum. But there are some things you might not have known about him.

10. Clint has directed more movies than Steven Spielberg and George Lucas

Can this be for real? A man who made his mark in this world for so long with his gritty performances of gunslinging toughs has actually directed more movies than the men who are arguably the two most famous American directors in history?

Clint has topped their counts?

Yes, it’s true. Clint released two films in 2008 (one of the strange times you could actually see a preview of an Eastwood movie at an Eastwood movie), as well as two in 2006, two in 1997 and two in 1990. He’s directed sixteen movies since 1990 alone. This is not normal. This is Clint Eastwood. Respect the man, for he is a living legend.

9. Clint played at Carnegie Hall

clint-eastwood-carnegie-hall

The man acts, directs, and he even plays a mean piano. And you know when Clint does it, it really is mean, as he demonstrated at Carnegie Hall in 1997. He’s played since he was a boy and is by all accounts self-taught, and has even scored some of his own films (Mystic River, Million Dollar Baby, Gran Torino). This is what we call a triple threat. If anyone could take the ivories and make them lethal, it’s Clint.

8. Clint used to dig pools for a living

This just goes to show that even Clint Eastwood came from pretty humble beginnings. Back when he was just getting bit parts in little movies here and there, Clint spent his time between acting employment digging pools for the Hollywood elite who’d already made their fortunes. Which means the next time you’re in the Hollywood hills taking a dip in your producer friend’s pool, take a moment to reflect on the flinty hands of Clint that quite possibly dug that pool for your overprivileged ass.

7. Clint tried his hand at recording pop records

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One of the roles that helped make Clint famous was Rowdy Yates on the show Rawhide in the early ‘60s. In an ill-advised attempt to consolidate an audience amongst the teeny bopper crowd, he recorded pop songs meant to reach out to this demographic. He eventually recorded the album titled, “Rawhide’s Clint Eastwood Sings Cowboy Favorites”. Unfortunately, I don’t think anyone was in the mood for cowboy favorites from Clint or anyone else, and his brief stint as pop star ended about as soon as it began. Which is probably for the better. He turned out to be much better at writing scores for his movie and rocking the jazz standards, which is more than you can say for your average action movie star.

6. Clint was fired by Universal Studios for having an Adam’s apple that was too big

This is one of those moments in cinema history that is just too ridiculous not to be true. After Universal signed Clint in 1954 for the princely sum of $75 a week, which landed him parts in forgettable movies like Revenge of the Creature and Tarantula, a couple of studio execs happened upon him one day and noticed his Adam’s apple. Deciding it was too big, he was out, just like that. The venerable Clint Eastwood was chewed up and spat out by a couple of Hollywood hacks.

Of course, it was only a matter of time – and not much time at that – before he was rolling, rolling, rolling rawhide, and those execs would be confronted with their own ineffable stupidity.

5. Clint received the French Legion d’Honneur award

clint-eastwood-french-legion-de28099honneur

…by President Jacques Chirac, no less. Having received this award on February 17, 2007, Clint officially became a Knight of the Empire, which I suppose means that if France and Russia ever got into it like olden times, good ol’ Clinty boy would be at the front of the line to duke it out with Putin. I don’t care how many Judo belts Putin has, my money’s still on Clint.

4. Clint drives a beater

One might think that with all the riches that come with Clint’s level of fame and success he’d be living about as high on the hog as he could without actually falling off the hog altogether. But one would be very, very wrong.

An anonymous source shared with me a very interesting story. My source, at the time, was an employee at the prestigious Hollywood hotel the Chateau Marmont and happened to see Clint, in the flesh, waiting for the valet to bring his car around. Cleverly quipping to the hoi polloi that surrounded him, “I have my Mercedes Benz here,” he patiently bided his time as the lower species of human marveled at the cinematic deity in their presence.

Clint stood there, squinting his scare-the-daylights-out-of-the-daylight squint, when up came his vehicle of choice. And what kind of vehicle would this be? The newest, slickest Benz on the market? No. In fact, a run-down, battered, late-‘80s Grand Marquis sputtered up to Clint, as if the valet had taken it upon himself to play a dirty trick on Dirty Harry.

But this was no ruse, this was simply more evidence that Clint is every bit the man’s man he appears to be. What kind of man needs leather interior? What kind of man needs a CD player, or seats that heat up, or windows that roll down? Not Clint. Clint only needs four wheels that are round and an engine that goes.

As Clint climbed into his Grand Marquis, the back bumper holding onto the rest of the car by a thread – or a Bungee cord, anyway – everyone else looked on in astonishment and admiration. And no one uttered a single word about the man’s mule.

3. Clint threatened to kill Michael Moore

Once again, fact is way awesomer than fiction. So how exactly did Clint come to threaten Michael Moore’s life? Well, it just so happens that Clint got the opportunity to watch Moore’s film Bowling for Columbine, and he didn’t much care for the scene at the end where Moore sticks a camera in Charlton Heston’s face and pretty much makes an ass of him.

So, while accepting a Special Filmmaking Achievement prize for Million Dollar Baby at the National Board Of Review Awards in New York, he says, “Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera, I’ll kill you.” The audience laughs, everyone has a good chuckle, and then the laughter dies down.

To make sure everyone knows that this wasn’t a joke and there’s no punchline, he then says, “I mean it.” Gulp! These are the times when I’m glad I’m not a fat documentary filmmaker. Charlton may have been a gentleman about Moore’s boorish ways, but Clint, as always, knows the answer to obnoxious punks: the .44 Magnum.

2. Clint is allergic to horses

And you heard it first here. Now, while your reaction might be to recoil in horror at this juicy little tidbit of gossip, pause a moment and really reflect on this. The man has spent about half of his cinematic career sitting on horses. Horses that REPULSE his body. But did this ever stop Clint from getting the job done? Did he ever exchange any of his squints for a single wince? Nope. Not once. That’s because while Clint’s body may experience anguish over the hooved creatures that bring it pain, Clint himself is oblivious to discomfort.

1. Clint is a vegan

That’s right. You’d think Clint would maintain a steady diet of rare steaks, beef jerky and live ammunition, but no. He has said that, “I take vitamins daily, but just the bare essentials not what you’d call supplements. I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit, vegetables, tofu, and other soy products.”

Dang. Hard to believe the same guy who played Dirty Harry would also keep the same dietary habits of the hippies living in Haight Ashbury. Maybe that’s why he’s still in better shape at age 78 than most men are at 25. Well, part of the reason is that Death is too chicken to approach him when he’s awake – and Clint sleeps with at least one eye open. The other is because he apparently believes meat is murder.

Veganism just got 100% cooler.

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The 7 Funniest Black Men of All Time

Friday, February 20th, 2009

bill-cosby1Bill Cosby

Many of you probably only remember Bill Cosby from The Bill Cosby Show, as host of Kids Say the Darndest Things or simply as a Jello salesman. But that’d be like judging Def Leppard entirely on their career after losing a guitar player and a drummer’s arm – it misses all the best stuff.

Originally from North Philly, Cosby got his start in comedy working as a bartender, telling jokes to up his tips. He was soon being booked at bars in Philadelphia and New York, landing a spot at the Gaslight Cafe in 1962. By ‘64, he’d toured the entire US and released his first comedy album, Bill Cosby Is a Very Funny Fellow…Right!, which highlights the humor of his childhood rather than focusing on the raunchier sides of life. And while Cosby remains righteous in his promotion of family values, the son-of-a-b***h can still tell a joke. (more…)

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The 10 Greatest Fictional Presidents in U.S. History

Friday, February 13th, 2009

Happy Presidents’ Day Sale Day! In commemoration of all the wonderful presidents we’ve had (Lincoln, Washington, FDR, JFK, ummmm… I guess that’s it, right?), we here at Indecision wanted to bring you a little something special.

No, not half off coupons on a Toyota Corolla or a mattress or whatever. That would be really cliché.

Because we know how much you, the Internet, love lists, we’re counting down the greatest fake presidents. When we say fake president, we don’t just mean George W. Bush (waits for applause from likeminded crowd).

This is a list of movie and TV presidents who led our country through deadly meteors, alien attacks, and Annette Bening blowjobs.

We didn’t feature a list of real presidents because on President’s day, shouldn’t we focus on the Presidents we dream of having rather than the ones we probably deserve to get stuck with?

10. Deep Impact – President Tom Beck

morgan-freemanEloquent even when preparing the world for certain annihilation, President Tom Beck, played by Morgan Freeman, speaks in that calming voice-overy cadence that steered us through the more penguin-y death filled scenes of March of the Penguins.

I remember when the film was released theatrically, my South American cousin asked, “Where are all of the other world leaders? Why is the U.S. seemingly the only country that takes action during a fucking worldwide asteroid crisis?”

The answer is simple. When Morgan Freeman is president, you don’t need any other leaders. At the time, I was too young to effectively explain this, so I settled with repeatedly chanting into his ear, “U.S.A! U.S.A!”

President Beck thoroughly plans a realistic contingency plan in case the astronauts assigned to destroy the asteroid fuck it all up. Of course, the astronauts fuck it all up in their first attempt because Billy Bob Thornton is clearly no Bruce Willis.

I would have put President Beck higher on the list, but, let’s face it, Deep Impact isn’t a very good movie. I really wish President Beck could have somehow created legislation so this movie wouldn’t suck and be boring as hell.

9. Primary Colors – President Jack Stanton

john-travoltaIt’s unfortunate Primary Colors isn’t widely remembered, because it is genuinely a decent film.

President Jack Stanton in the film is a totally original and interesting character.

He is a silver-haired, womanizing, southern politician who narrowly avoids numerous sex scandals due to his mesmerizing charisma.

How do they come up with this stuff?!

I almost didn’t include President Jack Stanton in the countdown because he is played by John Travolta.

I have nothing personal against Saturday Night Jack, but the idea of Travolta becoming president makes my stomach churn and my thetans feel nauseous.

8. The American President – President Andrew Shepherd

michael-douglas

President Andrew Shepherd, played by Michael Douglas, has a lot in common with The West Wing’s President Bartlett.

In fact, this entire movie is basically The West Wing.

But with Annette Bening in place of Richard Schiff.

Like any good Hollywood liberal, The American President’s writer, Aaron Sorkin, would dutifully recycle material when creating The West Wing

Making this film feel a tad obsolete.

As a result, I’m sure director Rob Reiner spends his nights crying into a patty melt.

7. Frost/Nixon – President Richard Nixon

frank-langellaLike most Americans, I loved Frost/Nixon. I speak obviously only of the trailer, because like most Americans, I actually didn’t watch Frost/Nixon. But the fictional character of President Nixon in the trailer is by far one of my favorite fictional presidents ever.

In fact, I am even willing to overlook his hideously fake name. Nixon? Really? Who would ever vote for an ugly ass name like Nixon? Who would ever vote for an ugly ass person like Nixon? Sorry, Frank Langella, but you played an ugly dude.

Other than that, President Nixon is pretty badass.

You know that scene from the trailer where Nixon asks Frost, “Did you do any fornicating last night?” And then Frost is all like, “Whaaaaa?”

That’s a pretty great scene. Or at least I guess it’s a good scene. I’ll probably never know for sure, since that slash in the title makes the film seem a little too smart for my tastes.

6. 24 – President David Palmer

david-palmer24’s President David Palmer is just plain wonderful. Although he might not be perfect and his entire family needs several walk-in closets just to begin hiding their skeletons, he is highly principled when allowing Jack Bauer to exploit our fears of terrorist attack for the sake of dramatic tension.

There are claims President David Palmer’s presence prepared America for a black president. If this is true, how come Geena Davis didn’t do shit for Hillary?

After deciding not to run for a second term, President Palmer followed in Bob Dole’s footsteps and hawked Allstate Car Insurance for a living. Many polls indicate he may even be more popular than that goddamned Geicko gecko.

Unfortunately, President Palmer was assassinated in the fifth season but by then, the only people paying attention to 24 were Keifer Sutherland and John McCain.

5. The West Wing – President Josiah Bartlet

josiah-bartletPresident Josiah Bartlet is basically the most perfect president in all of media history. He might make mistakes, but at the end of the day, his firm belief in not being a realistically flawed president in any way shape or form trumps everything.

Aaron Sorkin, The West Wing’s creator, often claims he based Bartlett on Bill Clinton and his father, but I’m pretty sure he actually based Martin Sheen’s character on Mother fucking Teresa.

Bartlet’s biggest Achilles’ Heel is his Multiple Sclerosis, which mostly just recalls Franklin Delano Roosevelt, one of our most beloved real life presidents.

He’s probably the greatest fake president who is actually celebrated for doing a president’s real job instead of personally killing terrorists and aliens with his own two hands.

The only reason I’m not putting him as number one is because President Bartlet is still grounded in some reality. He is realistically unbelievable, which sounds like an oxymoron, until we get to some other fictional presidents who are truly oxymoronic, but in an amazing way.

4. Superman Comics- President Lex Luthor

lex-luthorBack in 2000, Superman’s arch nemesis, Lex Luthor, ran for President and won. Despite the fact he was a villain, he still managed to do a lot of good by stopping the use of fossil fuels. That’s the great thing about comics. They can fantasize about a great escapist future where we aren’t literally burning our planet from the inside out. What imaginations!

Under Luthor’s presidency, he protected Earth against an alien invasion. It was later revealed President Luthor knew about the incoming aliens and allowed them to attack Topeka, Kansas.

Superman and the rest of the Justice League are obviously aghast by this fact, but they completely ignore that FDR totally knew about Pearl Harbor and was all like, “Fuck it, dog. I’m wheeling my polio ass to bed.”

So, by this logic, President Luthor was only doing what FDR would do, and like I already mentioned, he is one of our greatest presidents.

‘Nuff said… oops, that’s Marvel’s catchphrase.

3. Super President – President James Norcross

super-presidentBack in the late 60’s, NBC aired a limited animation cartoon based on the exploits of a super powered chief of state. When President James Norcross becomes zapped by cosmic rays, he acquires superpowers, transforming him into Super President.

With the power to turn his molecular composition into any substance, President Norcross can easily defeat his numerous foes, like Russian spies, domestic terrorists, and congressional leaders.

The best part, as animation historian Jerry Beck points out, is Super President’s chubby sidekick who bears strong resemblance to real life super villain, Karl Rove.

The series was short-lived since it was considered poor taste in light of the JFK assassination to depict an invulnerable president who could materialize into any substance, including a not dead president.

But now that we’ve had plenty of action hero presidents and a real life messiah president, isn’t it time to revive our first super hero president too?

I smell a tent pole picture starring Shia Lebeouf as Super Prez.

2. Independence Day – President Thomas J. Whitmore

thomas-whitmoreBill Pullman playing Thomas J. Whitmore is exactly how George W. Bush sees himself. He’s a no nonsense president who is slipping in the polls but following his inner principles. After America is attacked by foreigners (they are foreign to the planet Earth), President Whitmore rises to the occasion and personally protects freedom.

He is exactly like Bush, except, you know, he never weaseled his way out of military duty. Also, George W. Bush never climbed into a fighter jet to personally fight an enemy. Bush wisely limited his fighter jet experience to ill-conceived PR opportunities.

If the world was actually ambushed by aliens, Bush would not slip into his pilot jumper and board a military jet. He’d probably just hire a mercenary organization like Blackwater. And then they’d definitely end up killing all our good aliens, like ET, Chewbacca, and Mac from Mac and Me.

1. Air Force One – President James Marshall

harrison-fordHarrison Ford as President James Marshall is like Officer John McClane from Die Hard except he uses the word “fuck” a lot less. After all, we can’t have our president going around using curse words.

I’m almost certain if any president was taken hostage, they would do one of two things, a.) sell out their beloved country to save their own presidential hides or b.) die with dignity knowing we cannot compromise our values to brute force (i.e. not negotiating with terrorists). In the real world, those are the only two realistic options. But in the movie world, those are the only two COMPLETELY BORING options.

Instead, President Marshall takes matter into his own hands, ejecting an empty escape pod, killing several terrorists, and freeing many of the hostages through the plane’s parachute hanger.

When Bill Clinton saw the movie, he complained the real Air Force One didn’t have an escape pod or a parachute hanger, as if this was the only unbelievable part of the film.

Bill Clinton, let’s stop being polite and start getting real. The most unbelievable part of Air Force One isn’t the escape pod or the parachute hanger. It’s that the president of the United States acted like he was elected to pass legislation and kick ass, and he was all out of legislation. President Clinton, you can barely go for a morning job without stopping at a McDonalds.

The only time Bill Clinton ever uttered the words, “Get off my plane,” was when he wanted Al Gore to stop boring him about the fuel efficiency of the aircraft.

Closing Thoughts – President Me

Now, before you all go off the handle in the comments section bitching about how I didn’t include your favorite fake president, take a deep breath and go grill something already. Enjoy the day off. Unless of course you work in retail, in which case, get back to work you lazy bum!

SOURCE

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New Stunning Crank 2 Posters

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

Crank 2: High Voltage is the upcoming sequel to the action film, Crank. It picks up exactly where the first film left off, retaining its “real-time” feel. The film is rated R for “Frenetic strong bloody violence throughout, crude and graphic sexual content, nudity, and pervasive language”. Crank 2 is written and directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, who both wrote and directed the previous film, Crank.

Set three months after his destructive run through Los Angeles, Hitman Chev Chelios (Statham) launches himself on a literally electrifying chase through Los Angeles in pursuit of the Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered heart that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working

Crank 2: High Voltage origina posters


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New Crank 2: High Voltage movie poster

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Top 10 Badass Women in Movies

Monday, February 9th, 2009

Men might be the oft leading candidates for the bad-ass heroes in films, but women have had their share of butt-kicking screen time as well. Here are the top ten Bad Ass Women of all time.

linda-terminator10. Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY (1991)

Skynet, the 21st century computer waging a losing war on humans sends a second terminator back in time to destroy the leader of the human resistance while he is still a boy. His mother is the only one who knows of the existence of the Terminators, human-like robots that exist only to kill and are nearly indestructible, and she, the boy’s mother, is currently in a state mental hospital because of her ‘delusions’. A second protector is sent back to the past by the Human resistance to protect John Connor, their future leader, at all costs. All in order to protect her son, the future leader of the resistance against the machines, Sarah kicks a sizable amount of ass.

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9. Lori Petty as Tank Girl (Rebecca) TANK GIRL (1995)

Tank Girl (Rebecca) and her friends are the only remaining citizens living in the wasteland that is Earth, where all the remaining water is controlled by Water and Power, the mega corporation/government that runs the territory. While incarcerated at W + P, Tank Girl and her new friend Jet Girl break out and steal… a tank and a jet. After meeting some mutant kangaroo/humans, and rescuing her little girl (adopted by her friends), the kangaroos and the girls kick Water and Powers’ ass. Based on a comic series, it tends to take a more comedic approach to the subject, but there is little doubt that Tank Girl kicks ass.

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8. Michelle Yeoh & Zhang Ziyi as Yu Shu Lien & Jen Yu CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON (2000)

Wo hu cang long (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon) is a timeless story that takes place in QING China when miracles were credible and spirits and gods were present in man’s world. It is not unbelievable that zen warriors float through the air, skim the water and battle in trees and on rooftops. Pain, revenge and duty are the stuff that bind us in this world and are the main plot line of the movie, but in the afterlife love and faith linger on. Along with Li Mu Bai (Chow Yun Fat), the ladies in this movie are graceful and downright deadly.

uma-turman-kill-bill7. Uma Thurman as Beatrix Kiddo (The Bride) KILL BILL VOL. I-II (2003-4)

The lead character, called ‘The Bride,’ was a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, lead by her lover ‘Bill.’ Upon realizing she was pregnant with Bill’s child, ‘The Bride’ decided to escape her life as a killer. She fled to Texas, met a young man, and on the day of their wedding was gunned down by an angry and jealous Bill (with the assistance of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad). Four years later, ‘The Bride’ wakes from a coma, and discovers her baby is gone. She, then, decides to seek revenge upon the five people who destroyed her life and killed her baby. Beatrix absolutely goes all out as she individually hunts and eliminates every member of the D.V.A.S., finally getting to Bill, her desired target. Kicks ass!

princess-leia6. Carrie Fischer as Princess Leia THE STAR WARS TRILOGY (1977-1983)

Snide, snarky, and about as un-princess-like as one could be, Leia Organa takes charge of her rag-tag rescue band from the moment Han, Luke, and Chewie release her from the cell block. Defiant, cock-sure, and a natural leader, Leia eventually safely delivers the Death Star plans to the Rebel resistance via R2-D2 and sets into motion the utter collapse and downfall of the Galactic Empire. If there was any Imperial ass to kick, Leia was there with blaster in hand. And was there ever any doubt that she’d eventually hook up with a galactic smuggler?

lara_croft-angelina-jolie5. Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft TOMB RAIDER (2001-03)

Based on the popular video game series, Tomb Raider features the adventures of Lara Croft an antiquities hunter-for-hire. She travels to exotic locales in search of treasures and artifacts in the catacombs of ancient tombs and ruins remaining from age-old empires. A female Indiana Jones, Croft’s expeditions are always chock full of action, danger, intrigue, suspense and her omnipresent knack for defying death in skin-tight outfits. Looking good and kicking ass is a winning combination.

sheri-moon-biography4. Sheri Moon Zombie as Baby Firefly HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES & THE DEVILS REJECTS (2003-05)

The sequel to ‘House of 1000 Corpses’, ‘The Devil’s Rejects,’ takes place a few months later with the Texas State Police making a full-scale attack against the murderous Firefly family residence for the 1,000+ murders and disappearances of the past several years. But three of the family members escape, including Otis, Baby Firefly and Baby’s father Captain Spaulding. The evil trio go on a road trip, leaving dozens of mangled bodies in their wake. Evading a massive Texas Rangers dragnet as well as a group of equally murderous bounty hunters led by Ken Dwyer (the brother of a policeman Mamma Firefly killed in ‘House of…’) who’s obsessed with finding the deadly killers, the surviving Firefly clan gather at a run-down amusement park owned by Captain Spaulding’s half-brother, Charlie Altamont, who offers them shelter and a new base of operations for their killing spree as Sheriff Dwyer, the Texas Rangers, the FBI and others slowly close in. Though gruesome and sadistic, Baby kicks all kinds of ass.

2005_sin_city_0593. Devon Aoki as Miho SIN CITY (2005)

“Sin City” is infested with criminals, crooked cops and sexy dames, some searching for vengeance, some for redemption and others, both. The film incorporates storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including ‘Sin City,’ which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series, as well as ‘That Yellow Bastard’ and ‘The Big Fat Kill.’ Where Hartigan, a cop with a bum ticker and a vow to protect stripper Nancy. Marv, the outcast misanthrope, is on a mission to avenge the death of his one true love, Goldie; there’s also Dwight, the clandestine love of Shelley who spends his nights defending Gail and her Old Towne girls from Jackie Boy, a dirty cop with a penchant for violence. Miho resides in Old Towne and with one word from Gail, the appointed matriarch, Miho dispatches raiders and men alike with razor-sharp accuracy. She kicks serious ass.

040909_resident_evilhmedium2. Mila Jovovich as Alice RESIDENT EVIL, RE: APOCALYPSE, RE: EXTINCTION (2002-07)

A virus has escaped into a secret facility called “The Hive,” which chemically turns the staff (Umbrella Corporation) into man-eating zombies and releasing the mutated lab animals that they were studying. The complex computer (The Red Queen) shuts down the base to prevent further infection. The parent corporation sends in a military unit, where they meet Alice who has only a short time to remember who she is and the state of her mission, and is suffering from amnesia due to the nerve gas released into her bathroom. The military must shut down the computer (The Red Queen) and make their way back out of the Hive. Fighting their way past zombies, mutants and The Red Queen before the T-Virus escapes and effects the rest of the world. Its up to Alice to defeat the virus, if she loses, we all lose. And yes, she defeats them so thoroughly through three well-made films, kicking zombie ass all the way through.

alien0973qajr51. Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley ALIEN, ALIENS, ALIEN 3, ALIEN RESURRECTION (1979-97)

Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), the sole survivor of the alien attack on the mining ship Nostromo, awakens half a century later when she is found by a salvage ship. The welcome given to her by the “Company” officials is far from warm, since they refuse to believe her discovery of alien existence and strip her off her flight officer’s license. Ripley also discovers, much to her horror, that the planet LV-426 where her crew had encountered an alien species for the first time, is now colonized by the company. But when all contact from the planet is lost Ripley is called back into action again as an advisor to a team of tough space marines with lots of firepower. To get rid of her recurrent nightmares about the alien creature, Ripley prepares for a final battle with the monsters – and this time, there are hundreds of them out there. Going from unwitting recipient to a monsters attack, to a vicious military scourge, to a prisoner, to an alien/human hybrid, Ellen Ripley kicks ass for 200 solid years. The very best of the best.

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The 2009 Oscar Nominations

Sunday, February 8th, 2009

The 81st Annual Academy Award nominations have been announced with a few surprises and some glaring omissions.

oscars-2009‘Best Film’ played it safe – though four (Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, Slumdog) were pretty much locked, that fifth slot many were hoping the Academy would go for something acclaimed but more risky or mainstream than they usually go for like “The Wrestler” “Revolutionary Road” or “The Dark Knight”. Instead they opted for the little seen but very Academy-friendly Weinstein-produced vehicle “The Reader”.

In fact that trio of films (Wrestler, Road, Knight) were awkwardly missing in some other key areas like director and screenplay, though all got acting noms and ‘Knight’ in particular scored a lot of technical nods.

In sheer number of nominations “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” lead the way with thirteen; followed by “Slumdog Millionaire” with ten; “The Dark Knight” and “Milk” with eight; “Wall-E” with six; “Frost/Nixon”, “Doubt” and “The Reader” with five.

Notable omissions and strangeness – “Gran Torino” “Che” “I’ve Loved You So Long” not getting any major nominations. “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” only scoring a nom for Cruz, “Happy-Go-Lucky” scoring a best script but not a best actress nomination, “In Bruges” only getting a screenplay nom, and “Gomorra” missing out on Best Foreign Language Film.

One very welcome surprise was Michael Shannon, the actor who has essentially been ignored by most of the other critics and guilds getting a nomination for his brilliant supporting turn in “Revolutionary Road”

Here’s the complete list:

BEST PICTURE
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Richard Jenkins (”The Visitor”)
Frank Langella (”Frost/Nixon”)
Sean Penn (”Milk”)
Brad Pitt (”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”)
Mickey Rourke (”The Wrestler”)

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Anne Hathaway (”Rachel Getting Married”)
Angelina Jolie (”Changeling”)
Melissa Leo (”Frozen River”)
Meryl Streep (”Doubt”)
Kate Winslet (”The Reader”)

DIRECTING
David Fincher (”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”)
Ron Howard (”Frost/Nixon”)
Gus Van Sant (”Milk”)
Stephen Daldry (”The Reader”)
Danny Boyle (”Slumdog Millionaire)

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Josh Brolin (”Milk”)
Robert Downey Jr. (”Tropic Thunder”)
Philip Seymour Hoffman (”Doubt”)
Heath Ledger (”The Dark Knight”)
Michael Shannon (”Revolutionary Road”)

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Adams (”Doubt”)
Penelope Cruz (”Vicky Cristina Barcelona”)
Viola Davis (”Doubt”)
Taraji P. Henson (”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”)
Marisa Tomei (”The Wrestler”)

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
The Baader Meinhoff Complex
Class
Departures
Revanche
Waltz With Bashir

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
“Bolt”
“Kung Fu Panda”
“Wall-E”

SCREENPLAY (Adapted)
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
“Doubt”
“Frost/Nixon”
“The Reader”
“Slumdog Millionaire””

SCREENPLAY (Original)
“Frozen River”
“Happy-Go-Lucky”
“In Bruges”
“Milk”
“Wall-E”

ART DIRECTION
“Changeling”
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
“The Dark Knight”
“The Duchess”
“Revolutionary Road”

CINEMATOGRAPHY
“Changeling”
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
“The Dark Knight”
“The Reader”
“Slumdog Millionaire”

COSTUME DESIGN
“Australia”
”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
”The Duchess”
”Milk”
”Revolutionary Road”

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
“The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)”
”Encounters at the End of the World”
”The Garden”
”Man on Wire”
”Trouble the Water”

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
“The Conscience of Nhem En”
”The Final Inch”
”Smile Pinki
”The Witness — From the Balcony of Room 306?

FILM EDITING
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
“The Dark Knight”
“Frost/Nixon”
“Milk”
“Slumdog Millionaire”

MAKEUP
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
”The Dark Knight”
”Hellboy II: The Golden Army”

MUSIC (SCORE)
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” Alexandre Desplat
“Defiance” James Newton Howard
“Milk” Danny Elfman
“Slumdog Millionaire” A.R. Rahman
“WALL-E” Thomas Newman”

MUSIC (SONG)
“Down to Earth” from “WALL-E”
“Jai Ho” from “Slumdog Millionaire”
“O Saya” from “Slumdog Millionaire”

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)
“La Maison en Petits Cubes”
”Lavatory — Lovestory”
”Oktapodi”
”Presto”
”This Way Up”

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)
“Auf der Strecke (On the Line)”
”Manon on the Asphalt”
”New Boy”
”The Pig”
”Spielzeugland (Toyland)”

SOUND EDITING
“The Dark Knight”
“Iron Man”
“Slumdog Millionaire”
“WALL-E”
“Wanted”

SOUND MIXING
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
“The Dark Knight”
“Slumdog Millionaire”
“‘WALL-E”
“Wanted”

VISUAL EFFECTS
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
The Dark Knight”
“Iron Man”

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Friday the 13th 2009

Sunday, February 8th, 2009

In January 2007, producers Andrew Form and Brad Fuller outlined their intended goal to bring the remake to life. Fuller and Form were approached by New Line to create a remake, but because Paramount still owned certain copyrights to the first film the remake would not be able to use anything from the original.

Friday the 13th (2009) Movie poster

friday_the_thirteenthParamount, who wanted to be included in the remake, approached the producers and gave them license to use anything from the original films, including the title.

With Paramount on board, Fuller and Form decided they wanted to use pieces from each of the first three films. Fuller stated, “I think there are moments we want to address, like how does the hockey mask happen. It’ll happen differently in our movie than in the third one.Where is Jason from, why do these killings happen, and what is Crystal Lake?”

Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, writers of Freddy vs. Jason, were announced in October 2007 to have been hired to pen a script for the film. The film is reported to focus on Jason Voorhees, and that he will keep his trademark hockey mask.

The film is being produced by Michael Bay, Andrew Form, and Brad Fuller through Bay’s production company Platinum Dunes, for New Line Cinema.

Director Jonathan Liebesman was originally in negotiations to direct the remake in February 2006, but was replaced by Marcus Nispel, director of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake of 2003, in November 2007.

more Friday the 13th movie posters

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Friday the 13th poster ver.2

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Friday the 13th poster ver.3

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Friday the 13th poster ver.4

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Get in Line for Coraline

Sunday, February 8th, 2009

Get in Line for Coraline

coraline04Editor’s Note: In this review film critic Joe Strike gives us a sneak preview into the upcoming film Coraline which comes out on February 6th.

The moment we left Disneyland in 2003 my son regretted not buying the hoodie that was on sale in the Nightmare Before Christmas gift shop in the park – so much so that once we were back home I phoned the park and mail-ordered it for him. He wore the damn thing to death, then cut Jack Skellington out and sewed him onto a new hoodie, which he also proceeded to wear to death.

I’ve just seen Coraline – and I want the hoodie. The movie’s the third feature from stop-motion director Henry Selick, who first blew peoples’ minds with his early short Slow Bob in the Lower Dimensions:

Chockfull of dream imagery and dream logic, it follows Robert Potemkin (portrayed by a live actor), in ‘real life’ tormented by evil, stop-motion conjoined twin girls. But when summoned to a ‘lower dimension’ (and transported there by a quintet of telekinetic lizards) he becomes ‘Slow Bob,’ an animated cut-out who saves a community of snapshot people from an invasion of flying scissors.

In his first feature, Nightmare Before Christmas, skeletal Jack Skellington of Halloween Town invades Christmas Town and makes a royal mess of Santa’s holiday before setting things straight. In his second James and the Giant Peach, a young boy crawls into the heart of said fruit, turning into a stop motion replica of himself to travel across the ocean with a band of sentient insects.

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In Coraline a plucky young girl (is there any other kind in these sort of stories?) discovers a tiny doorway in the creepy old house she and her parents have moved into. She crawls through the strange, almost organic tunnel behind the door and emerges into a magical mirror world, far more wonderful than the one she left behind – except for those creepy button eyes everyone has…

coraline03Travelling to lower dimensions… visiting secret towns… crawling into the heart of a magical fruit, or through what might be a birth canal into an alternate world…

Are you seeing a pattern here? A series of Alices in not-quite Wonderlands?

Sure, Nightmare, Peach and Coraline are based on the works of others (Burton, Dahl and Gaiman), but when the same person is drawn to, and works and reworks similar material – you’re dealing with an artist. He might be spending tens of millions of dollars of other peoples’ money to work through his obsessions, but he’s an artist nonetheless.

Burton co-directed The Corpse Bride with one of Selick’s animators; that film too took a trip to an underworld, the land of the dead – but it just didn’t have the same swing, the same zing as Selick’s work.

Selick’s grabbed the latest technology to return to one of the earliest stop motion variations: ‘replacement animation,’ a technique made famous by animator/director George Pal (who deserves to be ten times better known than he is today). Pal carved a variety of heads for his wooden puppets, a different one for each expression and replaced them frame by frame, giving his early ‘puppetoons’ an uncanny 3D reality that went unmatched until Pixar arrived some 50 years later:

Warning: Be prepared for some embarrassingly racist stereotypes from back in the day.

Selick has the advantage of digital technology that does the sculpting for him and compositing tools that hide whatever seams might otherwise be showing – but all that’s stuff for the DVD commentary track and bonus features. Just see the damn film: the magical stuff is breath-taking, the scary stuff is super-creepy (it’s PG, but leave the youngest young’uns home). Coraline is 2009’s first animated feature, but for my money (if I’d paid to see it, which I will the next time) it already has a lock on one of next year’s animated feature Oscar noms.

coraline02-300x180Joe is an occasional animation scripter and freelance NYC writer covering animation and sci-fi/fantasy entertainment. His work has appeared in the NY Daily News, Newsday, the New York Press and, as they used to say on Rocky and Bullwinkle, ‘a host of others.’ He is a regular contributor to the animation industry website awn.com, but it’s much easier to visit joestrike.com to see what he’s been up to lately.

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